My Mom taught me at an early age to use a calender to plan out my life. She taught me predictability. I am extremely spontaneous, but I make sure my spontaneity fits in with my calender. I like that predictability. I like knowing what my plans are for tomorrow, or even for three months from now. I like knowing what to expect from the next day. I like knowing where I have to be, and when I have to be there.
But my body has deceived me. My immune system has turned on it's host. It has taken away that predictability that I hold so dearly, and thrown it out the window. I no longer know what to expect tomorrow. I no longer have that knowledge that I will wake up in the morning with the same energy level I had the day before. I no longer have that feeling of security in my body. I hate that with a passion that mere words cannot describe. I hate knowing that my body is fighting against itself. My body has become my worst enemy.
You never know quite how lucky you are, until you lose something that you hold so dearly. The hair you have on your head, don't take for granted. One day you may end up like me, losing a handful every morning on your pillow and even more in the shower or on your brush.
The energy you have to make it through the whole day? Don't take that for granted. Don't waste it sitting on the couch. Go out and live life to the fullest. Play with your children while you still have the energy and wellness to do so. Spend time with your significant other.
The legs you take for granted? You know...the ones that help get you up out of bed every morning? Use them for me today, please. Go out for a run with the knowledge that it won't land you in bed for the rest of the week. Go out and enjoy the sunshine. Go for a walk, go swimming, just go DO something. Do it for me.
Throughout these past few months, I have learned a lot about both myself and my friends. I now know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I have one outstanding support system. I have had friends: drop off food to my front door, drive with me to doctor's appointments, held me while I cried, drive 4 hours to come spend time with me and help me through this, held my hand and walk beside me, help pay for rent for the month I was too sick to work, written me encouragement cards, met me for coffee to just listen to me vent, and sooo much more. I've also learned that life does go on.
Life sucks sometimes. I'll be the first one to say it. But it still goes on. Sometimes you just have to hang on for the ride. There's been some days when the pain (both emotional and physical) become too much that all I can do is curl up in a ball and scream out to God asking "Why?". That's the only word I can form in my tormented mind is "why".
Why is this happening to me? Why are you allowing this to happen? Why aren't you saving me from this pain? Why?! Why do bad things happen? Why aren't you doing something to stop this? Why? Why am I going through so much pain? Why aren't you showing your plan for me? WHY?!
Sometimes the pain gets to be so much that I don't think I can go on any more. It just becomes so unbearable. But then I remember you. I remember your face, and feed off your inner strength. I remember how you're praying for me. How you are fighting for me. You give me hope on the bad days, and you deserve to be thanked. You remind me to just hang on, because a good day is going to come soon. And we can go hang out doing our "thing". Thank you for being there for me.
I know you don't realize it, but you reminded me today that life does go on. Thank you.
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