Meditation

So here I sit. It's 11:20 at night, and I have so many papers, notebooks, pencils, highlighters, and clothing around me I can't move. And I'm not entirely sure if I want to move at the moment to be completely honest. I've spent the last 4 hours (with the exception of a quick walk around the neighborhood) organizing a notebook filled with: my symptoms; research on GF diets; research on: Lupus, Sjodren's Syndrome, Raynaud's Phenomenon, and Celiac's Disease; and e-mails to one of my nurse friends discussing my medical condition and doctor's appointments. I'm pooped to say the least.

Some days, like today, it feels like the pain I felt months ago was all part of a bad dream. It's only when I close my eyes and think back to those painful days that I remember. Days like today give me hope for the future. They make me wish for a cure for Lupus, they make me plan 5k races and walk-a-thons for Lupus awareness. They are good for me, good for my outlook on life. But they also can be detrimental. They make me want to make plans for the fall that will more than likely throw me into a flare-up in speedy time. They make me want to take that photography job, and work 12 hours days/7 days a week, simply because that's been my dream since I was a kid. They make me want to ditch school and travel overseas to study Spanish somewhere, completely immersing myself in the culture.

Days like today are both good and bad. They are the days that make me think I was crazy 5 months ago for thinking I was in pain. They make me almost forget what it felt like when I was at my worst.

But I still remember. I remember the day I had to call a friend to come drag my sorry self out of bed, because my legs were too swollen and stiff. I remember the day I got diagnosed with Lupus. I remember calling my Mom immediately after walking out of the doctor's office doors, and I remember pulling off into the chick-fil-a parking lot because my tears obstructed my vision. I remember the day I felt like a complete idiot because I left all of my groceries at Wal-mart, 3 times. I remember.

I remember the day I failed a Spanish test, because even though I had studied my heart out....I couldn't remember the words. I remember feeling like a failure.

I remember the day I turned in my running shoes for clogs because I couldn't get my swollen feet inside the stupid shoes. I remember.

I remember going to that support group and being told to "off myself" because life at my age with Lupus wasn't worth living. I remember the anger I felt after that. I remember how that one lady somehow managed to catch hold of my stubborn self, my inner strength, and pull it straight to the surface.

I remember how after that day I started fighting. I started researching. I remember.

And now here I sit, amongst all of the research I have gathered throughout the past 6 months. And I feel overwhelmed. It doesn't matter that I've read all of stuff stuff 3 times, and some I have practically memorized. It's just soooo much stuff. My GF book is off to my far left, buried under my newest binder designated to take to my 2nd opinion appointment....my pen somehow rolled under my tush. Hopefully it won't spill ink anywhere, especially not on my pants. My cellphone is off to my far right, my old test results are off to my right as well. And there are highlighters, well...everywhere. There's a laundry basket of clean clothes that is stratigically placed directly behind my computer screen. I am a firm believer in "outta sight, outta mind". lol. And I knew I wouldn't be able to focus on this if I saw there was something else that needed to be done.

But here I am. Still fighting. My inner strength is still at the top, and I'm still fighting.

I'm fighting to find out what is wrong with me. Because until I know, it seems like there's nothing I can do to fix it. Give me meds, give me a life-time dietary change, give me chemo, give me amputation....I don't care. But I need to know what's wrong so I can be proactive in fixing it. I need to hear from someone else that it's Lupus.

I can't wait until Friday. Come soon, my dear Friend.