Considering I'm blogging, you can almost guess with 100% accuracy that today is a bad Lupus day. Actually, the last couple days have been fairly bad. It just gets so frustrating sometimes. I'm such a proactive person, and I feel like there is nothing I can do to make myself better.
Sometimes, I almost wish I had cancer instead of Lupus. At least with cancer you either get better or you die. I know that sounds awful, but it's how I feel at times. And with cancer you actually look like you are sick. People don't expect you to be at your ultimate best all the time. They don't look at your weird when you wait to use the handicapped restroom, because you know you wouldn't be able to stand up on your own without the bars to assist you.
I am not wishing for death, please do not misunderstand me. But I am wishing for a cure. I am wishing that one day, when a 21-year old female gets diagnosed with Lupus, the next sentence her doctor will tell her is "No worries, there is a cure."
I did my laundry today. That is all that I accomplished. I woke up with a headache, with a hand-full of hair on my pillow, and extremely nauseous. My body is achy and swollen, my knees hurt. And as simple as laundry sounds, it was one extremely hard chore for me to accomplish today.
I must say though, I am very proud of my intellectual progress. I now keep microwavable meals on hand, and have upgraded from my bunk bed to an absolutely ahmazingly comfortable bed.
It's in the days like today that I struggle the most with maintaining my sunny personality. It is so incredibly easy to just lie around and complain about the unfairness of my situation.
On my good days, I often ponder how I can turn my mind from the negatives of my situation on a bad day to something more positive. I've tried painting, blogging, reading, etc. But I have yet to find an actual solution. If you have any ideas, by all means please let me know. My goal is to maintain my sunny outlook in both the good times AND the bad times.
I have found that whenever I run across some old person who is still well....happy about their life, it never fails to make me smile. Because those people are unfortunately few and far between. Far too often, one only runs across grumpy old men, or complaining old ladies. Those few old, happy people give me reason to believe that not every person is doomed for an unhappy ending to their life.
Anyways, I'm gonna go take a nap.
